01/22/2025
I understand that “fishes” can be used in a way that is grammatically correct, but this wasn’t that. And it slipped under the other person’s radar before I said “Fuck, I said fishes.” Another little test from god. But I do think about fish quite often. The salmon used to be a really potent metaphor for me; Even though there’s an end goal to the frenetic salmon runs of the wild, it still creates a never-ending cycle of returning to the places you came from. And I, like many, fucking love Sisyphus. Not only because everything feels like a task with his name on it, but kind of specifically because for a year I had to literally push my laundry up a hill to a different building, and laundry being its own Sisyphean task added another layer of humor to the whole thing. But, back to fish(es) for a second, I have really always been drawn to the colors and patterns of fish scales. Especially those navy and teal ones, with little hints of orange (and see, it’s always a little about orange whether I like it or not). They’re really reminiscent of faded blue tattoo ink. Is that why I see so many people with fish tattoos? Or do I just live in a coastal state? Data is too skewed to tell.
What’s more compelling nowadays about the metaphor of a salmon is the difference between Upstream / Downstream. Salmon just have that compass that tells them which way to go, to go back the way they came. And for me, at any moment I can tell which way is Upstream and which way is Downstream, but I’m totally guessing -- obviously. I’d put a percentage on how often I’m right, but I don’t even have confidence in that. I’m not talking about spiralling or making great positive improvements in my life, I mean it quite literally. Sometimes you are Up and sometimes you are Down. And you spend every second trying to coax the outcomes of your decisions to trend Up but there’s really a lot you gotta just leave up to the temperature and speed of the water. Or fate. Or Fish God, maybe.
Or maybe you want to go Downstream. Upstream is just return, Downstream can be escape. What if you never went back to the breeding ground? There’s nostalgia there, but maybe that’s the only thing worthwhile about it, and nostalgia is never really worth a whole while. There is a whole other stream if you just take a left at the big rock. No, not the big brown rock, the big gray one. The one shaped like a lopsided tree stump. If you take a left at the big brown rock, you’re just going straight into grizzly bear territory and that’s no good. Unless part of your karmic salmon reincarnation cycle is getting torn fin from fin over and over. An uncommon route, but could maybe give you some perspective! But, Upstream can feel like something really comfortable, and maybe you need to break out of that comfort. So down you go, trusting only your gut.
So sometimes it’s hard to decide whether to go Upstream or Downstream. It’s really more of a choice in the moment. And also, I don’t really think we have the same call to destiny as salmon (or do we? Our ancestral fish(es) brothers crawled out of the water for a reason… much to think about!). I think it’s a little acceptable to swim up and down the river over and over instead of dedicating our lives to just one straight shot. And also sometimes we do get kind of confused -- like our fish(es) friends -- and take the turn at the big brown rock. Fuck I forgot you can go right at the big brown rock, too. That takes you to Salmon Chili’s ™ which is like regular Chili’s ™ but they have slot machines and blackjack. Pretty much a salmon gambler’s dream. And they have triple dippers, which is a regular human’s dream. Okay so hold on guys, maybe we don’t need to agonize over every little decision to trend Up or Down, to make a consistent positive effect in our lives -- maybe we just have to make every choice that it takes, no matter the cost, to get blackout drunk and extremely broke at Salmon Chili’s ™.